Useless Movie Goons Ranked By Coolness

Ghosts? I’m all in. Still, these ghosts are kind of useless in a fight and a bit of an afterthought in the film.

The Black Pearl crew were cursed, freaky, and the O.G.s of Pirates. They can’t die, while at the same time, serve as something for Jack Sparrow and company to stab.

The people who love this movie LOVE this movie. I’ll give them this — the running zombies are intimidating, but again, they are meant as something to shoot at.

“Expecto” these spooky creatures to get owned by Harry Potter at his convenience. I’m always for horror in everything, so it being a children’s book is wonderful. After their first appearance in the third installment, they go on to become another “swarm of goons” in film. 

I love the first alien, but the movie Aliens really turned this unstoppable alien into a swarm of target practice for the humans to shoot at. Mama Alien’s design is pretty sick, too, but her babies are still the best.

They are difficult to count since they are aliens, but they are technically the spawn of Mama Alien, so I’m counting them as the pawns.

In Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. II, the Sovereign hire the Guardians of the Galaxy and quickly regret it. This leads them to hunt down the guardians throughout the film.

I think that sometimes, in the world of sci-fi films, alien design can be a little over the top. The gold makeup and eyes are simple but effective, much like the pointed ears on Star Trek Vulcans; sometimes it just takes the right cadence to make one seem alien.

The Elite Praetorian Guards look awesome and carry some unique weapons unlike anything Star Wars fans have seen before. Cool fight, but they look more interested in dancing around our main characters than killing them.

“Oh-Ee-Yah! Ee-Oh-Ah!”

I wasn’t going to count them, but then I think about how three Winkie guards had the element of surprise, and still got their clothes snatched by a lion, tinman, and scarecrow. They can’t even chase down a girl in ruby slippers! That being said, I always liked their spears and fluffy hats as a kid.

They can sing, dance, and march. They’re triple threats! They are no match for lions, but the hyenas had a very (well-done-for-an-animated-film) sinister vibe to them.

Was never a big Tarintino guy, but the suits and style of the 88 are pretty iconic in cinema. 

I love the design, and it was very innovative at the time. The CGI might not hold up, but those sound effects sure do. In Episode I, they are last seen being taken out by (checks notes) Jar Jar Binks with a dismantled droid stuck on his ankle. 

An imposing force that goes on to get wiped out in the third act. The tragic life of movie goons.

I loved the design of these little mech-squids. Before they became target practice in the third installment, they were quite daunting, tearing ships apart at will.

Love this boy band. The Knights of Ren were the Boba Fett of this trilogy. Look very cool and do very little until you get lit up by a main character.

I liked the design of the swarm. Didn’t love the movie, but again, like most goons on here, these ships have their moment of terror to quickly lose to the loud sound of the Beastie Boys.

Ah, yes, Death Eaters. The eaters of death. Loyal to Voldemort and evil wizards that get their asses handed to them constantly. It’s like the larger the numbers they have, the more inept they become.

Maybe the best grunts in movies ever. Literally, it’s their job to be grunts, and since there are few video game movie entries on this list, I had to have these pawns pretty high.

The ultimate comic book team-up stereotype. “We need our band of heroes to fight some type of army… What about aliens!?” That being said, I think the design is the coolest of the Avenger baddies in the series. At least they are something for the Hulk to smash.

“Big CGI fight coming up!” —Deadpool, Deadpool 2

What’s better than one Hugo Weaving? A whole army of him. Agent Smith and his copies are the perfect baddies to get leveled by Neo, making for a memorable fight scene that, at the time, was pretty groundbreaking.

Orcs are cool and all, but are they jacked like the mighty Uruk-hai? Hailing from Isengard, these orcs stand out with their awesome shields and armor. Helm’s Deep is still one of the best movie battles ever thanks to these bad boys, but they stand no chance against Middle-Earth’s heroes.

Stormtroopers are the gold standard of “foot soldier goons” in movies. From their awesome, useless armor to their generic voices, these pawns are the ultimate cannon fodder to ever appear on the big screen.